He's definitely got the stones for it
by Ryuko monogatari
Summary: CRACK FIC. Everyone knows you don't eat stuff you find lying on the floor, especially in an alleyway in the street. Except for young Harry Potter, apparently. Those six shiny colourful hard candies did look delicious...


As a child, Harry was a bit of an idiot. Sure he was intelligent, sort of middle-of-the-road for a boy his age, but my God he just had no street smarts. To add to this, one of Uncle Vernon's favourite punishments was to deprive the poor boy of food. So when the young lad saw six bright, colourful stones, his first instinct was not to wonder what they were or if they were safe. Harry's first instinct was, of course, to pop the six weird looking sweets into his mouth.

* * *

Harry first realised he had control over all of existence when he was being chased by Dudley and his gang. He tripped, held out his hand, a red light shone, and Dudley turned into a human sized aubergine. The other boys then instantly ran away. As did Harry. Of course, Dudley changed back eventually, but he never bullied Harry again.

* * *

The next thing that happened was that, one morning when he had slept in too long, Aunt Petunia had refused to take him to school. So he started to cry. Then he emanated bright blue light, fell back, and the next thing he knew he was in his classroom, twenty minutes before even the teacher.

* * *

Another time, he was punished by being given rotten food for dinner. So he just waved his hand over it, which shone bright green, and it became a delicious ripe apple and a fantastic ham and cheese toastie. Turns out time isn't as fragile if you have a green wine gum.

* * *

Then there was the time he was chased by a floating tattered dressing gown that made everything cold. Once it reached him, he screamed, his skin glowing orange, and then he suddenly felt incredibly strong. He looked up and saw loads of orange people flying from the dressing gown's mouth into his chest. Once the last person flew into him, the dressing gown collapsed to the floor and disintegrated into chocolate sprinkles. Not that Harry ate them or anything. No, that would be… weird…

* * *

Then, another time, something weird happened. Aunt Petunia was holding a frying pan over his head, shouting about the burnt bacon (which was impossible, he used the green to cook it to perfection), and she was about to hit him over the head with it. All he did was shout "stop!", and this time a yellow light shone. Aunt Petunia's eyes glowed blue, and she stopped. Then something similar happened to Uncle Vernon. From that day on, the two of them did whatever he asked them to.

* * *

Then another time Uncle Vernon was taking Harry to a play in London, when they got pulled into an alley and had a knife pointed at them. Harry hid behind Vernon, then the alley was filled with a purple light. The woman threatening them was then consumed by purple fire. She burned into a pile of ash, leaving nothing but her quite pretty knife, which Harry pocketed.

* * *

By the time Harry's Hogwarts letter arrived, he had transformed number 4 Privet drive into a skyscraper, robbed six banks out of boredom, disintegrated 9 world leaders because 'they looked mean', and given Africa enough farm animals and plants to feed them for the next three hundred years. Someone on TV looked really sad about it during Comic Relief.

* * *

When the letter first came through the door, Harry was interested. He was wondering how he could do the things he could, so it would be fun to learn. That said, he had become more street smart since he became a god, so he wrote back to the sender, asking if they could prove that they were real. The next day, an older woman in green velvet robes walked into the lobby of Privet Towers, asking to see Harry Potter. Harry made the wave he was surfing stop existing, then went down to meet her.

* * *

"Good morning, Mr Potter, thank you for meeting me," she said, cordially, still looking around in wonder.

"It's okay, meeting new people is fun!" Harry replied, smiling.

"I am Professor Minerva McGonagall, deputy headmistress and teacher of Transfiguration at Hogwarts," she said, still in wonderment at the state of Privet Drive. When she looked back, Harry was flicking through a large dictionary. "Mr Potter, what are you doing?"

"Trying to find 'transfiguration' in here," he said, without looking up. "One second,"

"W-where did you get that dictionary?" she asked, bewildered. There was definitely no bookcase in this large room.

"I made it," he replied. "Ah! Transfiguration! 'A complete change of form or appearance into a more beautiful or spiritual state.'."

"You made it?!" she breathed. "How?"

"Just sort of thought about it…" Harry smiled, a tea tray and biscuits appearing in his hand. "Tea?"

Professor McGonagall was speechless. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, had just made a dictionary and a tea tray appear out of nowhere! Without a wand! She took the tea politely, still silent.

"So, um, you were telling me about Hogwarts?" he pried, pouring himself a cup, then making the tray go away.

"Right, yes, of course. Hogwarts is a school where young witches and wizards such as yourself go to learn magic."

Harry's eyes widened. "Oh that's what this is!" he exclaimed. Then he put his hand over his mouth and burped lightly, a screaming orange body floating out of his mouth. "Sorry,"

Professor McGonagall fainted.

After three professor visits, three fainting spells and three testimonies saying that Harry was 'the most powerful being in the universe', Dumbledore visited Harry himself. He managed to get through the experience with relative calmness, his eyes merely widening whenever Harry did something amazing. Once Harry accepted his place at Hogwarts, Dumbledore returned to his office, promptly jumping onto his desk and screaming "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!"

* * *

McGonagall, Snape and Flitwick, all with ice packs pressed to their heads, hurried in, their jaws dropping when they saw Professor Albus Dumbledore, the most powerful sorcerer since Merlin himself, doing a happy jig while singing 'Celebration' by Kool and the Gang.

Harry got his wand. Well, he glowed orange and then his wand kind of flew to him, lines of orange, red, purple, green, blue and yellow light snaking around it. Then he got his books. There was a fight going on between a man with long blond hair and an old woman with a vulture hat, so he got rid of them. He picked up everything else he needed, then fast forwarded the world so he could get on the train now. The train was boring, so he gave himself wings and flew above it.

"P-Potter, Harry," McGonagall whimpered, shying away from the young boy as he walked up to sit on the stool. There he sat for a minute. Then two. Then three. After 10 minutes of silence, he heard someone knocking on the door in his head.

 _He opened the door to see a hat. "Hello," he said._

 _"Hi," the hat said back. "Could I come in? I kind of need to do my job,"_

 _"Oh, okay," Harry let the hat in._

The hat started to scream. It was enveloped in a yellow light, and started to thrash around, as if trying to pull itself off of Harry's head.

 _"Are you okay?" Harry asked the hat._

 _"NO! HOW DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?!" the hat screamed. "PICK A COLOUR! RED, BLUE, YELLOW, OR GREEN!"_

 _Harry thought about this for a second. "Um, Red?"_

"GRYFFINDOR! FOR GOD'S SAKE GRYFFINDOR NOW GET ME OFF OF HIM!"

The great hall was silent. Harry sat down next to a young boy who looked like he'd been crying. Harry put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "You okay?"

The boy looked at him, sniffling. "M-my grandma died over the summer. She was fighting Lucius Malfoy and she – she turned into dust!" he started crying again.

Harry blinked. "Oh." He sat there for a moment, then held out his hand, a red jelly sweet appearing in his palm. "Gummy bear?"

* * *

Harry sat quietly in the potions lesson, idly turning his pencil into Mini-Cthulhu to pass the time. One of his classmates gouged their eyes out upon seeing him, so he gave them back, and turned Mini-Cthulhu back into a pencil.

Snape strode in to the dungeon, paling slightly when he saw Harry, waving jovially back at him. "T-there will be no wand-waving… or, or silly incantations in this, in this class…" he stopped when he saw Harry chuckling in the front seat. "M-Mr Potter?" Snape asked, cautiously.

"Hahaha, you remind me of a bat!" he laughed, eliciting gasps of shock from the other members of his class.

"W-what on earth are you talking about?" Snape spluttered, the fear eminent in his voice.

"The cape, the hair, the nose, you look like a bat! See?" he wiggled his fingers, and Professor Snape's cloak merged with his arms, turning into large, leathery bat wings, and his hair transformed into long pointed ears. All of the students screamed and ran out of the room, leaving Harry laughing at Snape.

"Change me back, please!" Snape begged, clasping his wings together in a form of begging.

Harry pouted. "No thanks, you look funny this way. Bye!" Harry ran out of the dungeon.

* * *

"N-n-n-n-now, who can tell me h-how we create l-l-light?" Professor Quirrell stuttered.

Harry and a bushy haired girl both raised their hands instantly. Quirrell nodded to Harry. "Like this," he said, holding out his hand. A miniature sun formed, illuminating the room and pulling nearby inkpots into a steady orbit around it. Some pupils gasped. Quirrell fainted. But some of the Gryffindors, who already saw Harry turn Snape batty were intrigued by this.

* * *

"Excuse me, Harry?" he turned around on his chair in the common room, noticing the bushy haired girl.

"Hi!" he said, holding out his hand. She shook it tentatively.

"I'm Hermione Granger, I'm a Gryffindor, too," she said, still sounding nervous.

"Yeah, I know," Harry replied. "Your robes are red,"

"Right, yes," she laughed awkwardly. "I was just wondering, how do you do all those things? Turning Professor Snape into a bat, making a star in your hand?"

"I just… think. If I want a star, I make a star. If I want it to be 4 O'clock, I make it 4 O'clock. If I want someone to do what I say, they do it. It's like magic,"

"I don't think that's magic, at least not anything that we're taught here. I've read all the books that we've been assigned, and some other ones just for fun, and I've never heard about someone doing the things that you can do," she rambled.

"Wait, so you can't do all this?" Harry asked, wondering if he was stronger than he thought.

"Well, no. I think there's laws that stop that sort of thing. Not like legal stuff, like the laws of physics. There's laws of magic and you don't just break them, you… you…"

"Stop them from existing? Yeah, I don't like rules much. Its all 'get to school on time, don't rob banks, don't talk to strangers', so boring!" he laughed, creating a bag of gummy bears, offering the bag to Hermione. "Want one? They're my favourite,"

Hermione was more than a little surprised by the 'robbing banks' comment, but she decided to ignore it. She could only deal with one 'defies my own beliefs about the world' thing per day. "What do they taste like?" she asked.

"They taste like gummy bears. I tried making them with different tastes, but they weren't very nice," he popped one into his mouth, and Hermione followed suit.

"What other tastes have you given them?" she asked, now genuinely curious.

"Well, one time I accidentally made all the gummy bears in the world taste like purple," he said nonchalantly.

"How can something taste like purple? Purple is a colour, not a taste!" she protested.

Harry closed his fist around the bag, his hand glowing red for a moment. "There, now they taste like purple. Try one,"

Hermione popped one into her mouth, and her eyes widened. "What? How? Why? What?"

Harry smiled, bouncing up and down. "How does it taste?" he asked excitedly.

"It – It tastes like purple. I have no idea how, but it actually tastes like purple!" she began to laugh, and Harry joined in.

* * *

Harry got bored after a while, so decided to fast forward to Halloween. He always liked Halloween. Everyone dressing up, telling scary stories, and all the sweets! He was having loads of fun, joking around with Hermione and the other Gryffindors. Then, Quirrell ran into the great hall, yelling something about a troll in the dungeon.

"TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" he yelled. The hall was silent. For some reason everyone present, from Hermione to BatSnape turned to Harry, who was positively giddy with excitement. He leapt to his feet and 'blued', as he called it, to the dungeons. Sure enough, there was a giant troll, lumbering around. Harry saw how big it was and had a brilliant idea.

2 minutes later, Harry 'blued' to the great hall entrance, and cleared his throat. He aimed for the other end of the hall, and started running. "GUMMY TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! THERE'S A GUMMY TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" everyone with eyebrows raised them, so Harry 'blued' the troll into the great hall, the 10 foot tall red gelatinous mass bouncing on the hard floor. Harry leapt onto it, digging in, laughing gaily as he tore into the delicious mound of gummy troll. Professor Dumbledore was the next to come down, taking a bite, then chuckling, peeling off more and more. Soon everyone was struggling to take a piece of the delectable gummy troll. Harry earned Gryffindor 300 points for that stunt.

* * *

The weirdest things started to happen. First, his broom tried to kick him off during a flying lesson, so he burnt it, and then he got attacked by another one of those flying dressing gowns, so he ate the orange people inside of it. It seemed like he was really unlucky. Then one night he decided to go for a walk, and saw Professor Quirrell holding a jar with a scorpion inside of it. Quirrell smiled and assured him that it wasn't what it looked like. Harry made him not exist. For some reason, he felt his head burn for a minute, then it left. Literally, an orange blur left his forehead.

The next morning Harry overheard Bat-Snape saying something to Dumbledore about 'the dark lord being gone'. Harry didn't really care about that, but decided that he was bored of Bat-Snape, so he turned him back into Snape, who broke down into tears at Harry's feet when he saw this. Harry just smiled and patted his head.

* * *

In his third year, a dog came up to him. Harry didn't think it was really a dog, so his eyes turned yellow and he told it to stop being a dog, so it turned into a man. The man said that he was Harry's godfather, and that he was framed for the murder of Harry's parents by Peter Pettigrew. Harry didn't know who this Peter person was, but he 'blued' him to where they were and turned him into purple-black ash.

* * *

At the start of his 5th year at Hogwarts, Harry was bored of himself, so he decided to change himself into a girl. He looked mostly the same, just with longer hair, a different facial structure, and boobies, which he realised over that summer were really quite brilliant. He made everyone call him 'Rose' for that year, and spent loads more time with Hermione and Ron's sister Ginny. There was a new DADA teacher that year, Dolores Umbridge, who really didn't like her for some reason. Rose made her stop existing.

At the end of the year, Rose decided to go back to being Harry. Rose was fun, but she didn't like how people looked at her, and her boobies, while brilliant, were kind of annoying to deal with.

* * *

Once he left Hogwarts at the end of his final year, Harry decided, on a whim, to take over the world. He made a big mountain with a castle on top of it, and made lots of versions of himself to go around fixing everything. Soon, lots of strange people started coming to his castle. There was a man dressed in metal armour, a man with a red white and blue Frisbee, and a big green angry guy, for example. Most of them he got rid of, but Harry kept one, who was called Wong. Wong was cool. Harry liked Wong.

Then a man with a green cape and a metal face attacked him, going on and on about Doom. Harry turned him into a gummy bear.

This happened a lot. One time a purple guy with a weird chin and a shiny glove came around looking for something called 'infinity stones'. Harry didn't know what he was talking about, so turned him into a karp.

One day, however, everything changed. Harry felt very unwell one morning, so went to the toilet. He must have eaten too many gummy bears with Wong, because he began to throw up. What he didn't realise when he flushed the toilet, was that six shiny stones were sinking down the drain.

Of course, the young, silly, hungry young girl who found them had no idea where they came from either. But that didn't stop her from popping the six shiny sweets into her mouth…


End file.
